literature

Atheism: My Understanding

Deviation Actions

RS-Kyra's avatar
By
Published:
889 Views

Literature Text

I was born in 1995 in early summer and raised in the beautifully dull state of Illinois. I learned to read and speak just before my second birthday and by the time I was three, I could name at least thirty countries on my world map. At six years old I entered kindergarten and became the trademark loner. The children and teachers in my class all spoke of things I didn't understand, and it alienated me. I knew by then that George Washington had been the first president of my country, had led the army that drove the British oppression away, and was betrayed if not directly by a man called Benedict Arnold. I knew the other countries bordering my own and I knew who'd written Romeo and Juliet. Yet, I had no idea what an SUV was. I had no idea what one meant by "slide into home", and I had no idea who God was.

Yes, a child in the United States who had no idea what God was until age six does exist.

I was, and am still being raised by an agnostic mother and a non-practicing Catholic father; non-practicing in the sense that he never speaks of religion and he never goes to any church that we're aware of. Back then, and still partially now, I was also raised by a Christian grandmother. She too never spoke a single word of God or worship.

When I began to learn of "God" and his "mortal son" Jesus, of Moses and the way he "parted the seas", of all the Biblical legends and stories, I couldn't have been more befuddled. How could a man murdered on a cross-shaped pedestal not feel anger at his killers? How could he come back to life? How can a man survive within a whale's stomach? How could a man speak to a burning bush, turn a river to blood, and part an entire sea?

If God brought his son back to life, why couldn't be bring my grandfather back? Was he selfish?

It was only after years of mocking and scorn for my inability to understand that I learned the truth; the old stories were only meant to be taken morally, not literally. I felt more relieved at this, now at eight years old, so I could claim to be a non-practicing Christian and feel I understood what it meant.

And from this, yet again I learned something new. There are people who take these stories literally. They truly believe in Jesus' being the son of God, that he could multiply fish and bread and come back to life after a torturous murder. They believed a man had come back to life. That alone began to frighten me.

I soon began accompanying my aunt to church, to see if I could understand better this faith I assumed I should have born with. I attended the children's wing of the church, and all I can remember doing there is singing songs, making jewelry, and playing games. I learned nothing, and therefore came no closer to understanding this infatuation with the being called God.

After that, I began to see holes in the geographical stories in the Bible. How could a hell fit into the center of our planet? People had already been to the moon and sent mechanisms to Mars, so wouldn't they have had to find heaven on the way? These were questions the church members merely laughed at and shooed me away.

I was eleven years old when Christianity and the belief in God itself began to irritate me. I learned of the hatred the religion imposed, against people who had done nothing wrong, and began to associate it greatly with racism. When I look back now, I was a bit biased and judged the devout unfairly, but as I began to see the plight of homosexuals and those of other religions imposed by the Catholics and Christians of my country and possibly the world, I could feel nothing but revulsion and anger.

I was twelve when I first began calling myself an atheist.

I hadn't known there was a term for the lack of belief in God. I had thought I was a rare species, someone my school community had began to shun for this lacking. Through the internet, I learned the meaning of atheism and felt relieved that I wasn't alone. Finally, after years of being uncertain and then a lonely kind of certain, I finally felt as if I fit into a chisel at least, that I had my own place in the world to begin carving out.

As I began to out my atheism, I received the expected criticism; threats of a burning eternity in Christian hell, further estrangement from my fellow students, et cetera. I feared none of it, for my discovery of my place had given me courage to stand for myself, and I accepted happily the idea of being alone, of being the token atheist in my school. It became a kind of lonely self-esteem; I was proud of my decision and had no desire to give it up and try once again to understand or accept religion, and yet I was always isolated, even from people who shared my interests. As for the few close friends I had, we never spoke of religion together.

I left elementary school and began my years at junior high when I was thirteen, and met with an extensive shock. People learned I was an atheist, and they accepted it. They accepted me as a person and suddenly, I had a social life. I hadn't any idea where to begin, what to say, what to do, anything at all, and because of this my relationships began slowly. Painfully slowly. I began feeling hatred for my former classmates and teachers for knowingly distancing me from the others. I blamed them for my social inabilities, and today in a way I still do.

Today I fight the same battles as I had before with the religiously extreme; friends of my parents, devoutly Christian or Catholic, who tell me I'm too young to make decisions like that, and that they're sure I'll convert later in life. It's frustrating and often infuriating. I've also found that I am much more compatible with friends of Islamic, Hindu, or even Jewish faith. The shunning I've felt throughout my life has been entirely, and I say entirely because it's true, from Christians and Catholics.

In truth, Catholicism and Christianity still annoy me and have the potential to make me irate, but I no longer despise them. I have Catholic and Christian friends whom I love very dearly, and I've learned that the religion doesn't make the person.  I can't forget the years of isolation from the devout at my elementary school, but the religion itself is not to blame. The people who taunted me and those who supported them are to blame. I've accepted this fact wholly.

I truly believe I will never abandon my atheism, for the concepts of religion, not just Christianity and Catholicism but every religion I've ever encountered, are still too unbelievable for me. I cannot bring myself to put my faith into something I cannot understand or trust. I make my own decisions and follow my own morals, not the morals of rules set by a church or clergy. I control my own life and make my own un-religiously biased judgement.

This I believe is the true way, to decide one's own path and follow it until the end. If Christianity's ideas are correct and heaven and hell exist in our world, I may well find myself condemned. Until my possible judgment day, I do intend to live out my life as an atheist, to live my life my way.
I'd been meaning to write this for a long time, and finally on a day I get out of bed early, without sleeping last night, I watch it while watching a 7-part documentary on the 7 Deadly Sins.

This is my story, legit to the period at the end. Make what you will of it, this is the truth for me.
© 2010 - 2024 RS-Kyra
Comments59
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In